The Responsibility to Fit In

This late noon I am thinking about to quit when I am supposed to go to the weekly meeting conducted by a sort of religious youth organization. Why is that happen? Nor because my faith level has decreased (I hope so) or because of someone bothering me, but because of myself that can't seem to fit in there or whenever.

I do have a problem with my introvert life. I find it difficult to trust people, not even 1 single human being, Gosh. I do try to make friends by pushing myself to join other communities/organizations, but no matter how hard I tried, I still can't fit in anywhere.  

Not just in this case, but also in many situations, I'm sick to pretend that I love to hear their story about their stupid-love-relationship with someone that I don't even know or care, or the girls talk about boys and the ultimate chit-chat mission regarding 'how to get boys 101'. I am not trying to be naive here, I do want to get a man that I can make my life complete but I don't want it to look obvious and of course, I don't want to make the first move, that not even in my life's Dictionary.

I realize that I don't want to be all by myself forever and dying alone, even though in the afterlife we are all can't depend on anyone but ourselves. 

Until this last paragraph, I don't even know what the conclusion of this story is.

Specifically, I don't even know what I want the most in my life.

For now, just let me figure it out, alone. 

I'll tell you later in part 2.